Question:I've been involved in a casual sex relationship for over six months. We agreed from the start that we'd only be lovers, not boyfriend-girlfriend. The sex is great, but recently I've found myself wanting more of his time and attention. How can I transform this "bonking buddy" situation into more?
Answer from Dr Gabrielle Morrissey - Sexiologist:
You've come across the main casualty of casual sex. You can't change the rules halfway through the game. You agreed to a casual sex relationship from the start, so if you want to change the established relationship, then you have to really begin anew, with a fresh set of rules and boundaries.
It's interesting you phrase the situation as a casual sex relationship. This in itself is confusing, because many people who are involved casually make the mistake of not distinguishing between whether they are having casual sex or a casual relationship — the two are quite different!
Casual sex refers to engaging in the physical act of sex, plain and simple — as you refer to it, a bonking buddy, with the emphasis on the bonking rather than the buddy. Usually, these days, it involves having each other's phone number and being able to rely on each other for regular sex, at one or either's house, but that's it. No dates, no social outings, no meeting the family, no breakfasts out at cafes, no talk of the future, basically no relating outside a sexual realm.
This kind of relationship can sound ideal to many, but in reality is hard to successfully achieve for any length of time. Eventually one person (and heterosexually speaking, it's not always the woman, sometimes it's the man!) begins to connect through the sex and the act of sharing bodies creates a yearning to share minds, then interests, friends and lives. The casual sex starts to want to transform into a casual relationship … and then, as you describe in your situation, a more serious relationship.
A casual relationship is still different from a standard relationship, but must be openly negotiated as such or else confusion will reign and a split will be nearly impossible to avoid. The casual relationship involves sex — often first and foremost, because it's the glue keeping the relationship together, but there is more to the two of you bonding than only the sex. A casual relationship does have a social element to it. Here, the bonking buddy emphasises the buddy rather than the bonking, but still is a bonking buddy, not a boyfriend!
The real trickiness of the casual relationship revolves around the rules. When one is social with a casual partner, the question of monogamy is raised. Often monogamy is not assumed in a casual relationship, but if you are social together, issues are raised such as: can you cancel a date with your casual partner if a better offer with more promise presents itself at the last minute? If you're out together socially, can you flirt and pick up someone else? And if you don't, is it assumed the two of you will hook up and go home together? And is that a good thing or would you feel like the second banana? Are you prepared that by virtue of the relationship simply being casual, it has an ending pre-built into it? A casual relationship cannot last. It will always end, because it will be replaced by a newer or more permanent model, eventually.
Casual sex and casual relationships are not always so casual … many times someone gets hurt, because, like you, they can't help but get connected and subsequently want something that is more than casual. Can you transform a casual sex situation or a casual relationship into something more? Sometimes. More often not. But it's worth a try and you're more likely to have half a chance of success only if you admit up front you're changing the rules.
.jpg)
