There's a time-honored saying that goes something like this: "Friends are friends, pals are pals, and buddies sleep together." I'm not quite sure what it means, but I think this adage is mainly poking fun at those who use euphemisms to describe friendships that are, shall we say, more than platonic. I'm talking about "FF" -- short for F*ck Friends -- also known as "friends with benefits."FF are friends, or maybe only acquaintances, who have a spoken or an unspoken agreement to have sex occasionally, without ever pursuing a romantic relationship. This term is a fairly new one, emerging from popular culture in the past 20 years or so.As men and women become increasingly free to indulge in physical relationships with relatively fewer consequences (let's give it up for birth control!), sex is now more casual than ever. As a result, some friends decide to take it to the next level, just for fun, without all the trappings of an actual relationship. Being simply FF is definitely easier at first, but are the negatives that come with it worth the promise of casual sex? Check out these pros and cons and decide for yourself.
Up Sides
Sex with no stringsThe most apparent positive point about being FF is the availability of easy sex, without all the pressures and limitations of a relationship. The beauty of this situation is its clarity -- if both sides are honest going into this, then both will know that it's solely about sex. She can never accuse you of using her, or vice-versa, because you've both acknowledged from the start that you're, in fact, using each other. Using each other in a good way, however, because removing all the emotional baggage from sex makes it much simpler and potentially more enjoyable.Tip: Nonetheless, if you want to give the FF thing a shot, remember the importance of honesty from the get-go. If one of you is going into this secretly hoping for more, then the problem of dishonesty arises, and that person is probably in for a nasty disappointment when it doesn't play out that way. And trust me, nine times out of 10, FF never develop into anything more. It's much more likely that just the opposite will happen. FF tend to slowly drift out of each other's lives over time, or if they start seeing someone else seriously.
The Convenience Factor
In this situation, sex can literally be just a phone call away -- you don't have to go through the whole charade of flirting, dating, buying her drinks, testing the waters, guessing what she wants, etc. Being FF is extremely efficient and makes the most sense for people who don't have the time for a real romance, but still want to get some action without breaking any hearts along the way by misleading people.Tip: One of the keys to being successful FF is to keep it discreet. Even if you're 100% confident that you only have to call her and she'll come running, do the classy thing and keep it between you and her. Don't brag about the situation to outside friends. Don't get grabby in public. If you have an understanding, a simple quiet phone call late Friday night is all that's necessary, and if she's busy or tired, don't get insistent. You don't owe each other anything. That's the whole point of being FF.
The Comfort Factor
Performance anxiety is less of an issue with friends because you'll be more comfortable with them in general, physically and emotionally. If someone has a strange birthmark or love handles, you already know this and don't mind, and you don't feel the need to conceal your own physical flaws. You'll also probably know exactly what to expect in the bedroom and, regardless of how your hookup plays out, you will still have your friendship, and should be able to laugh about it.Tip: A high comfort level doesn't mean that you can get away with being a lazy lover. Don't aim for a gymnastics performance to impress her, but do focus on making her feel fantastic, and she'll return the favor. FF are all about mutual satisfaction.
Down Sides
Someone might get too attached. Various types of emotional fallouts can doom FF. The most common type is when one of the friends gets too attached and begins wanting something more. If the other person feels differently, they will get hurt. In addition, sometimes one of the parties may become jealous if the other person starts dating someone else seriously. It can be very difficult to separate emotions from sex, but if you want to be FF, that is exactly what you have to steel yourself to do.
Tip: Resist the urge to become territorial in a FF relationship; often, even if you don't really want to date her, you may feel, on some level, that you don't want other guys with her either. This is entirely unfair, and if you're possessive by nature, maybe it's best to just avoid the whole FF idea to begin with.
May Destroy a Friendship
In the worst-case scenario, the blurring of the lines between friend and lover precipitated by being FF can completely destroy a friendship. Unfortunately, this is a fairly common outcome, because once you've crossed the physical line, the old dynamic between some friends is lost forever.
Tip: I think that if you're serious about keeping a close friendship -- for example, if the other person is your best friend from childhood who just happens to be a woman -- you shouldn't risk jeopardizing it by sleeping with her. However, in the heat of the moment, this is easier said than done. The best thing you can do is take precautions, such as not overdrinking with her or spending too much time alone together. On the other hand, it's likely you won't worry too much about this issue until after the fact. In any case, even knowing you might regret it, this might still be a risk you're willing to take.
Future Relationship Problems
Messing around with friends can potentially hurt your future relationships with other women. If your current girlfriend finds out (and somehow, they always do) that you used to be intimate with one of your female friends, she will instantly become jealous and suspicious of the other woman. Even if your hookups occurred years before, if this friend is still in your life in some capacity, your girlfriend will be convinced that if it happened before, it can happen again.
Tip: Although it may sound callous, it's best to be FF with acquaintances rather than close female friends, because when the sex winds down, you can let the relationship drop and cut them out of your life completely. No fuss, no consequences. You cannot do that to a close pal, on the other hand, and wouldn't want to.
Potential Problems
Keeping you and your friend with benefits safe is important. If you are both free to sleep with whomever you choose, it is important to protect yourselves. Do you want the mother of your firstborn to be with your friend with benefits? STD’s aren’t pleasant either, so keep them to yourself please. It would also be helpful not to sleep with anyone she knows -- despite loosely applied “rules,” you still need to have some standards of human decency. Even if she presumes you are sleeping with other women, she doesn’t want to hear about it.
Possible Bonus
Being FF can be fun and rewarding if both parties are clear that it's only about sex. Otherwise, it's a dangerous proposition. Very rarely, however, mutual romantic feelings may develop. And when this happens, it turns into much more than a rough agreement to satisfy the other person's physical needs -- it becomes a real relationship, built on a strong foundation of friendship and understanding.
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